How to Break the Mold: Customizing Traditional Funerals

Have you ever attended a funeral that felt impersonal and cold, where the atmosphere was stiff and formal, and the goodbye seemed almost anonymous?

Traditional funerals often create this kind of stark environment, with a cookie-cutter approach that leaves everyone feeling self-contained and disconnected. While rooted in history, traditional rituals feel more like an obligation than a heartfelt farewell, too often failing to capture the real essence of the person being remembered. 

For instance, when my friend passed away, she wasn’t religious, but her own family members made the funeral service a Christian service, completely against who she was. Now, imagine your family doing that to you. Why would you allow such a thing?

But what if there was a way to honor your life with authenticity, reflecting the unique individual you are? In this article, we explore the traditional funeral process, its limitations, and how you can break free from this mold. Think about how you’d want to go on your own terms, creating a send-off that truly reflects you.

What are Traditional Funerals?

Traditional funerals follow long-established customs and practices. They typically include a formal service in a religious or secular venue, a viewing or visitation, and a procession to the burial site. Everyone dresses formally, and the atmosphere is generally solemn.

But let’s be real: these ceremonies can feel rigid and impersonal. The focus is often more on adhering to tradition rather than celebrating the individuality of the person who has passed. It’s like wearing a suit that looks okay from a distance but feels uncomfortable and restrictive up close.

When Traditional Funeral Services Backfire 

Traditional funerals, while intended to honor the deceased, can sometimes fail to capture their true essence, leading to a sense of detachment among attendees. 

For example, a woman shared how her father’s own funeral ceremony was conducted in a manner that did not reflect his personality at all. He was part of the LGBTQ+ community and loved the drums, yet his funeral followed a generic script, completely ignoring his passion for music and vibrant events. The service felt detached from his true identity, making it difficult for attendees to connect emotionally and celebrate his life authentically. What a mistake!

Another instance involved a family-crafted funeral procession that felt more like a formal obligation than a heartfelt tribute. The deceased was known for their vibrant personality and love for wild fashion garments, yet the funeral service was dominated by somber hymns and a strict, formal atmosphere that didn’t reflect their unique style. It should have asked everyone to turn up wearing the most outrageous outfit they’d ever owned as a way of thanking him!

For many in the LGBTQIA+ community, traditional funerals can feel particularly isolating. There’s often a lack of recognition for their true selves, with both grieving family members and funeral homes focusing on societal norms instead of celebrating the unique life lived with its ups and downs. This emphasis on maintaining a “respectable” front can overshadow the real identity of the deceased, erasing it in their final moments. This lack of acknowledgment not only disrespects the individual but also adds to the grief and feelings of disconnection among loved ones.

Everyone dressed in black, sitting quietly in pews, listening to a service that often does not resonate with the person we knew. It feels like an obligation. As someone once said, “tradition is peer pressure from dead people.” Why settle for a service that feels generic and detached when you can have a farewell that truly reflects who you are?

Avoiding Common Traps: Understanding Funeral Home Exploitation

In “The American Way of Death Revisited,” Jessica Mitford revealed how the funeral industry often prioritizes profit over people. Salespeople may push unnecessary and expensive services, misleading families into believing certain practices are legally required when they are not.

For example, many families are told embalming is necessary, which is rarely the case. This kind of exploitation adds extra costs during an already tough time. Mitford clearly states that “falling victim to these predatory practices” is a real risk.

By being aware of these potential pitfalls, you can honor the person you wish to celebrate without being overshadowed by unnecessary costs. It’s important to know that you don’t need embalming, a coffin, a hearse, a formal venue, or a funeral home attendant present. Instead, you can choose options that feel more personal and genuine.

Legal Rights and Options in Traditional Funerals

Yes, this article is about traditional funerals, but understanding your legal rights and options is crucial when planning any type of funeral, especially for the LGBTQ+ community.

One important step is ensuring you have control over your final arrangements. In many places, you have the legal right to appoint someone to manage your sendoff. For instance, in Oregon, you can use the Appointment to Direct Form to select someone you trust to oversee your funeral arrangements. They will make decisions that align with your wishes and values. It’s just one piece of paper you have to sign, but it can make a world of difference in ensuring your sendoff truly reflects who you are.

Understanding and exercising these legal rights can help you avoid the stress and potential exploitation associated with traditional funerals. By taking control of your funeral planning and being aware of your legal options, you can ensure that your final goodbye is a genuine reflection of who you are. Your life deserves to be celebrated in a way that truly honors your unique journey.

Alternatives to Traditional Funeral Service

Now, think about what uplifted them. Was it music, dancing, smoking, drinking, playing card games, hosting cocktail parties, or dressing as if off to a gala? Maybe it was being surrounded by people who were just like them—a community they felt proud to be a part of.

• Personalized Farewells: This means getting creative! From my experience, the more imaginative we are, the better we navigate our grief. Picture this: rainbow decorations, Asian lanterns, hundreds of beautiful lit candles, and tables where your friends can sit and to share memories and stories about you while getting a small tattoo to carry with them. Why not invite some hairdressers and makeup artists to help everyone look their best for your farewell party? After all, there will be photos taken!
• DIY Funerals: These can be both cost-effective and deeply personal. Consider using a cardboard coffin and painting it, or covering it with your favorite fabric. Use a friend’s vehicle for transport and hold the ceremony in a location you love, like the nightclub you adore—just book it out for the night!
• Ash Scattering Ceremonies: Whether you choose a favorite hiking trail, a beloved beach, church or even your own garden, an ash scattering ceremony can provide a meaningful and personal way to say goodbye. This option can even replace the need for a traditional funeral altogether. Just a note: you need to make sure it’s okay to scatter ashes. You can’t just go to any place and scatter them without permission.
• Direct-to Cremation: When you book a Direct to Cremation and receive the ashes, you have the freedom to plan a celebration that truly reflects their spirit. Imagine having their ashes in a beautiful vase as the centerpiece of a gathering filled with their favorite music, food, and stories. This approach allows for a personal and heartfelt farewell without the constraints of traditional funerals. You can also hold a home farewell before the ashes are collected. This gives you the chance to honor them in a familiar, comforting setting, creating a homestyle tribute that feels right for you and your loved ones.
• Natural Burials: Natural burials emphasize simplicity and environmental sustainability. Consider the Herland Forest Natural Burial Cemetery, a non-profit cemetery dedicated to facilitating your return to the circle of life. Located on the eastern edge of the Cascadian wilderness, this permaculture forest combines native and non-native tree varieties to create a living sanctuary that supports birds, bees, animals, and people who make the forest their home. For more information, visit Herland Forest.

Traditional funerals can be expensive, often costing upwards of $10,000. In contrast, a DIY funeral might only cost around $2,000 for essential services like body collection and delivery. This significant saving leaves you with more funds to create a true celebration of life.

One creative example is a guy who chose a bar for his farewell. He had everyone enjoy cocktails for four hours as his way of saying, “Thank you, folks, for being my mates!”

This approach not only saves money but also allows for a more personalized and memorable goodbye.

Planning Your Personalized Funeral Service: Key Steps

• Document and Communicate Your Wishes: Clearly document your preferences for every aspect of the funeral, and openly share these with those you care about. This can include unique themes like a breakfast, lunch, dinner, or dessert ceremony. For example, you could host a dessert gig with cocktails at a rooftop bar, where friends can sing and wave to the skies. Open communication ensures that your life, well-lived, is truly shared and celebrated in the way you envision.

• Personal Touches: Personalize the event to reflect your life and personality.

• Seek Support from Vita Viola: Reach out to Vita Viola for advocacy and support. They provide caring advice and help organize farewell options that uplift the LGBTQ+ community and their allies.

• Assign a Trusted Person: Find someone you trust to manage your send-off. For more information on assigning an agent to control your funeral disposition in your state, visit the State-by-State Assigning an Agent to Control Disposition.

Inspiring Creative and Authentic Farewells

By sharing these stories, we can inspire others to think creatively and authentically about end-of-life planning. Imagine incorporating elements like a drag show, fireworks, or a themed painting exhibition where guests contribute to a collective artwork celebrating their lives. Such personalized touches make the farewell not only memorable but also a true reflection of the individual’s unique spirit.

Traditional funerals, while providing structure and familiarity, often fail to capture the individuality and authenticity of the deceased. By understanding your rights, exploring alternatives, and planning thoughtfully, you can create a farewell that truly honors your life and identity. Stand up for your rights and create a real celebration of a life well-lived and remembered.

Planning your farewell should be a personal and meaningful experience, reflecting your unique journey and the impact you’ve had on those around you. For more information and support, contact Vita Viola and join us in making end-of-life planning a more inclusive and authentic experience for everyone.

Ultimately, a farewell should be as unique as the life it commemorates, embracing authenticity and personal choice to leave a lasting legacy of love and individuality. Let’s move away from the cookie-cutter approach of traditional funerals and embrace the opportunity to celebrate life in all its vibrant, diverse forms.